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Eight
Pages of fans worst movies they have seen
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Mudcrab
aka Craig Simm's
1.
That Last Star Trek Movie The one on the hippy planet
were they all get young and horny or something. I started
to watch this at my parents on Foxtel once while waiting for
them to return for somewhere or other. Having a screaming
arguement with my bitchy and then pregant sister and walking
out the lounge room when they did return half way through
the movie was a relief.
2.
Star Wars Ep 1 - the phantom plot Shit, I was 5 mins in
and aready cringing. When that Lucus git remasters this in
15 years time as a blatant money maker I am sure they will
add big signs with glowing arrows pointing out the bad guys
at the start of the movie just in case the watcher is brain
dead. I can remember wondering if due to time constraints
that they had recieved the plot overview and filmed to that
rather than sit around waiting for the actual script to turn
up. I did however feel a sense of inspiration as a wannabe
writer - if someone can get shit like that made into a movie
then I am going to be rich and famous someday.
3.
Gunshark A film so bad that most of the copies were
recalled and destroyed and most of the people involved will
tell you that it was all a hoax and never happened.
4.
X-Men Actually a really cool movie - but at the end I
stood up as the house lights were coming back on and wondered
in disappointment why Dredd couldn't of been that good.
5.
Highlander 2 I paid to see that movie after looking at
the cool previews when I saw Died Hard a few months before.
Really should of spent that money on alcohol to be honest.
6.
Jurrasic Park CRAP. Even most of the special effects were
crud to be honest. That whole 'you really believe that they
are real' line everyone was trying to ram down your throat
was crap too. At least Malcolm was a total annoying F wit
like he was in the novel and only annoying. Couldn't wait
for him to shut up and just die in the novel.
7.
Rambo 3 Oh dear. I saw that with a bunch of friends from
school on the school holidays one year. In the end credits
there is actually a fund were you could send momey to help
fight the Russians in Afganistan.Hmmm - that is 7 - oops
Jim
Campbell
1.
American Pie On principle, I literally never stop watching
a movie I've paid for until the bitter end. Except this one.
So ... if it suddenly gets good in the second half, then I
apologise, because I found the first half of this to be one
of the most excrutiatingly unfunny hours of my life. Which
struck me as odd, because I kinda liked Something About Mary
... the difference, I think, is that Mary had some good jokes
that were in bad taste, whereas American Pie had no jokes
of any kind, seeming to think that poor taste is, in itself,
inherently funny. It's not, and neither is this film.
2.
Basic Instinct A film without one single likeable character
has a problem to start with. After about twenty minutes, I
found myself wishing that the whole cast would get into a
car and go off the edge of one those over-used Californian
cliff-top road locations. The plot is laughable and Verhoeven's
leering, pervy, dirty-old-man direction makes the whole unpalatable
mess even _more_ distasteful. I know that Verhoeven is supposed
to have made worse movies than this - but I haven't seen them.
Thankfully.
3.
Days of Thunder Never, ever, EVER let the star of your
movie be one of the producers because the risk is that the
film will turn out like this. An extended Tom Cruise ego-wank
of epic proportions with no plot worth speaking of (cars go
round a race-course ... ooh, look, some of them crash) and
the most derisory, passing attempt at charcterisation. Didn't
watch another Tom Cruise movie until Interview With A Vampire
and it really upset me that he was actually pretty good!
4.
Armageddon Well, first up - almost all the decent FX shots
come in the first fifteen minutes of the movie, and if you've
seen the trailer, you've seen 'em all anyway. Then take a
collection of the most cardboard stereotypes imaginable and
put them through a completely unfeasible astronaut-training
sequence which essentially means that for the best part of
an hour in the middle of the film bloody NOTHING happens,
before blasting off into a risible finale. Top with a triumphant
homecoming in which no heart-warming cliche is left unused
and the American flag is shoe-horned into almost every shot.
The lump in my throat was only rising bile.
5.
Scream "A witty, sideways look at the horror genre" at
least some of the critics said. It was nothing of the f*****g
sort! It was exactly the same as every other piece-of-shit
stalk-and-slash bilge that Wes Craven has churned out with
the exception of one 30-second segment where one of the characters
explains "the rules of the horror movie", which we all knew
already anyway. Dire, formulaic pap with pretensions. Ugh.
H.
Barker
1.
Judge Dredd Just. Don't. Go. There.
2.
Hudsucker Proxy See number 4, below.
3.
Highlander II Just ignore this and anything after it and
remember the first movie.
4.
Fight Club More pretentious waffle is hard to find.
5.
The Matrix A film saved barely by its amazing fight sequence.
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