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Movie Features

Fans Worst Movies  

Eight Pages of fans worst movies they have seen
Page1, Page 2,Page 3, Page 4,Page 5,Page 6, Page 7,Page 8

Si Spurious

1. Batman and Robin Mr Joel Schumacher, take a bow. You have successfully gathered-together just-about *every* conceivable eeevil in the film industry, pasted them together with your unusually sticky gonad-glue, told them to ham it all up as much as possible, then farted it out at the distributors as if they should be grateful. Let's not pull any punches, here: this film is *bad*. Not just bad, even, but *really* bad. This film is 'a bit pants' in the same way that the Universe is 'quite big, really'. Professionally trained actors - with drama-school diplomas and blah blah blah - have to train for *years* to get this bad. Even Arnie must have cringed every time one of those dipped-in-fanny-batter one-liners came along. I also find it eminently funny that Joel chose as his Mr Freeze - a character whose every-other word is 'freeze' this or 'frozen' that - a man who has trouble saying 'r'. "Dere's a fleeeeze comink." Ugh. Uma Thurman - in her defence - recently claimed that she had felt her hamming-up antics were ruining the fillm; she protested to Schumacher who told her that she wasn't acting-up *enough*, and to shut-up and get on with it.... Which only half absolves her of blame, but does rather lend weight to the hunt-down-Shumacher campaign. Quite how *anyone* could find a striptease from inside a gorilla-costume sexy is beyond me - and Uma in those silly spangly glasses has more than a little of the Elton John about it. I could bitch about this film for days. The art director needs to be shot. The costume designer has too much time on his hands and a fetish for unneccesary flourishes. The special effects aren't all that special at all and the stunts make 'Star Wars Episode One' look positively *realistic*. Laaaaaame. Once again the entire background, feel and mood of a comicbook creation are maligned by a director with rather too much interest in glitz. C'mon Joel - didn't you ever wonder about the word 'Gotham'? As in 'Gothic-Hamlet'? He seems to be having a Las Vegas wet-dream and dribbling the rather squelchy results all over the film-stock. "It's more of a kids' film than the other batman films" he claims - apparently unaware that most children with an IQ above 34 consider it to be condescending tripe. Si's verdict: Words fail me. This is a baaaaaaaaaaaad film.

2. Bram Stoker's Dracula Gary Oldman is one of my favourite actors. I've heard him called 'unversatile', but point people in the direction of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead'. I've heard him called 'boring', and smugly waft people in the direction of 'Leon', or 'The Fifth Element'. What he generally *is*, is flamboyant and pleasantly over the top. Which is why I have absolutely *no* idea why he was cast for this part. Dracula is supposed to be a gloomy, atmospheric chiller, yes? Supernatural nastiness, gothicy shadowy blurb, etc? Whereas *his* Transylvanian accent came-off as a rather lame Harry-Enfield 'Stavros' impression. ("Ah, dey cheeldren of dey noight. What sweiet myoasic dey mayk..."). And Keanu Reeves? Mr 'Where-Did-I-Put-My-Facial-Expression'? Trying to get all flustered and passionate whilst blurting his way through a pants English accent (wait for him to say 'Budapest' - funny as hell). And what about lovely little Winona Ryder as meek and demure Mina? Her ruptured-eardrum inducing voiceovers had me reaching for the 'mute' control more than once. This film, all in all, is a casting nightmare. It's also very badly scripted, *apallingly* shot, *awfully* paced and, all-in-all, not very good. Take a look at the convincing Transylvanian skyline during the naff coach-chase. 'My Goodness, what a lovely studio'-syndrome. Si's verdict: Ah, zie mhakers of zis film, what swheet cockups dhey make.

3. Blair Witch 2: The Book of Yawns (sorry, *Shadows*) -- Horror film, okay? Operates upon the single guiding principal of.... well, *horror*. I went to see this just before Halloween. I'd just been sitting around a little bonfire telling ghost stories and was already sufficiently creeped-out. I would have found an episode of Teletubbies scary by the point I went into the cinema, so fully expected an adrenaline-soaked zappoid-attack of the jitters. Consider this film from an entirely objective standpoint. It's precursor - 'The Blair Witch Project', was hugely successful due to its (some said) innovative use of cinematic style and first-person perspective. That is to say, the makers got-away with the cheap gimick of using handheld camcorders to make a box-office hit. Sickening I know, but what can you do? Then some bright-spark rocket scientist decides to milk the Blair Witch cash-cow a bit more by making a sequel... Did it attempt to recreate or outdo the stylistic individuality of its predeccessor? Did it bollocks. What you have here is your basic 'group of young people in scary situation' naff horror whose reliance upon the concept (rather than the perspective) of video surveillance became pretty moot when the 'sting-in-the-tail' was revealed. Some films - 'Usual Suspects', 'The Sixth Sense', etc - are able to use a nice big whopping twist-ending because it brings-together all the unspoken ambiguities from the earlier plot. *This* drivel just yawned its way through a couple of hours of seen-it-all-before dreariness before announcing rather smugly that everything we - the audience - had witnessed had been hallucinated and the *real* version of events had been captured on the various security cams and blah blah blah. Annoying. Very very very very *very* bad. And also very very very very *very* not-scary. Si's verdict: *Yaaaawn*.

4. Scary Movie About as scary as a dollop of jam. About as funny as a dollop of jam. About as original as a biiig dollop of jam in the all-comers antique jam-dollop festival. Spoof films have this tendency to shoot a million and one gags at the audience in the space of two hours on the premise that - even if most of them aren't funny or aren't noticed - there'll still be enough left to give the audience a giggle. Unfortunately, someone neglected to mention this to the maker of this shit-awful piece of cinematic filth: the result is that jokes come-around at the sultry pace of one-per-five minutes and about 50% of them go so-far off the mark that William Tell's blindfolded son might have had a bit of a problem... Don't get me wrong, *occassionally* a funny gag creeps-along and makes itself known.. The problem is that the director obviously realised he had a humour-problem and tried to draw-out every funny moment for several minutes until whatever vestiges of comedy originally lay therein are squandered and battered to death with a large rolling-pin. Si's verdict: A very very big lump of human excrement. The occassional protrusion of peanutty goodness (or the semi-buried gem of undigested sweetcorn) provides occassional relief, but can't disguise the fact that the remainder of the film is essentially shite.

5. Waterworld Let's get some things straight, shall we? Kevin Costner - balding hero of 'The Bodyguard' and 'Robin Hood, Prince of Muppets' - is *not* Mad Max. I'm sorry, Kev, but there you go. No matter *how* much you leap from altitudinous rigging and play the nasty-but-nice 'noble savage' thing, you are simply not gonna manage it. Swashbuckle all you want, me boyo, but at the end of the day all you're doing is convincing us of what a lame imitation this piece-of-shite film really is. "I know," says some bright-spark conceptualist, "let's rip-off one of the best post-apocalypse films of all times but.... uh.... hang on...... yeah, yeah, right, let's make it really *wet* as well, okay? Yeah! That'd work, right? Now where's my cheque?" Little girl with a map on her skin. Nasty nasty pantomime villain who wants to 'spare her life' because skinning her alive is too much trouble. Hello-oo?.. Kev can breath underwater. This doesn't explain how he can dive half-a-mile under without his puny little head popping like a balloon (oh, how I prayed..) There's no rain anymore, right, and yet on the cutesy-wootsey island at the end there's a neat little bubbling stream. Thbbbpt. Oh, and the best one of all: Kev and his 'oops-my-top-won't-stay-on-my-shoulders' bit of fluff are trying to protect the annoying kid, right? The kid subsequently gets captured by the nasty 'I-smoke-cigarrettes-so-I-*must*-be-evil' baddie and how do our two heroes react to the tragedy? Right - they get all groiny with each other on the deck of the mullered boat. Si's verdict: Half a cup of semi-congealed man-juice mixed liberally with the internal fluids of a rabid mongoose. Mix with plenty of (salt)water, a dash of derivative scripting and some of the silliest plot-facets in the world. Cack.

Si gets a page to himself for this by dint of his "comments being waaay longer than anyone elses. Students too much time on their hands!

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