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Eight
Pages of fans worst movies they have seen
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Andrew
Ness
1.
The Sound of Music This is the only film I've ever seen
where I wanted the Nazis to kill the heroes. Slowly. In extreme
close up.
2.
The Field Bloody awful Irish thing in which very little
happens while an old man bleats on and on about some American
buying his field. Said American then killed by cows. Terrible.
3.
Dirty Weekend Not dirty, doesn't take place at the weekend.
Michael Winner film about Bella, who wont take it lying down
any more (or something.) Features Illya Kuryakin getting frisky
in a car then getting run over. And Mike out of the Young
Ones playing a short bloke. Bad in a 'so bad its watchable
once in a while' sort of way.
4.
Dumb and Dumber I met this girl in a club. Totally gorgeous.
We went to see this film. It was terrible. She loved it. It
was over.
5.
Dr Who (do TV movies count?) Evil crappy destruction of
a classic TV series in which Paul McGann went about systematically
eradicating all childhood memories of my favourite childhood
pursuit. I will never hide behind a sofa again. The Bastards.
Steve
Green
1.
Highlander 2 At the time, I quite liked Highlander, though
having seen it again recently has tempered my enthusiasm -
but no film deserves a sequel like this...
2.
Robocop 3 ohhh... my... god... I think the thumbs up from
the dying rebel did it for me...
3.
Batman and Robin I thought the series couldn't get any
worse after Batman Forever... I just felt sorry for George...
4.
The Avengers Uma Thurman in a catsuit seems to be the
kiss of death...
5.
Godzilla Dull, Dull, Dull
Graeme
1.
Mouse Hunt An offensively stupid and schizophrenic movie
that couldn't decide whether it was for children or retarded
adults, and tried to do cater to both through the use of inane
sight gags, crude language, corpse desecration and the groping
of female anatomy in the pursuit of laughs from the audience.
Imagine Jim Carrey taking all the elements that made Roald
Dahl fun and popular and then regurgutating them in a Carrey-ised
form for his audience. Then subtract Carrey from the equation
because they couldn't afford him and substitute hysterical,
campy Nathan Lane and some other no-hopers to carry the plot
of two unlikeable and obnoxious brothers who inherit an old
rundown house from their unlikeable father. Just when you
think it doesn't get any worse and that the whole affair was
intended as nothing more than a misfiring collection of amateur
comedy skits, the movies tries to whip out A Message at the
last minute. What the message was, I can't seem to recall
anymore - I suspect those brain cells have long since self-immolated
in protest - and I have no intention of trying to rediscover
it.
2.
The Heartbreak Kid Awful, awful Australian film that spawned
a TV series that I assume had to be worse than the film if
only because there was even more of it. Amidst the savageries
of ethnic stereotyping, a school teacher sleeps with one of
her students, gets found it and then bewails the fact that
her life turns to shit as a result of this. At face value
it doesn't sound as bad as either Spawn or Batman, but at
least I can watch reruns of them in short doses in order to
maintain the rage and find yet more flaws in the movie. I
can't even conceive of walking through a room in which The
Heartbreak Kid was on the television.
3.
Spawn An abundance of unsympathetic characters (most of
whom appear to have been lobotimised - "Hey, wait - you mean
the guys who are paying me to do all this illegal international
shit *aren't* the good guys after alll? Awww, crap..."), irritating,
pretentious and intrusive voiceovers explaining something
that's either bloody obvious or that could have been dealt
with easily in the film's dialogue if the dialogue itseld
hadn't been written by Ban-Al of Krypton. Martin Sheen *could*
have been the film's sole redeeming feature if he hadn't insisted
in talking in a gravelly voice (because he was Eeeeevil) and
allowing a fat demon with bad clown make-up to talk him into
having an ebola bomb implanted in his chest for his own protection.
To damn it with faint praise, it captured the spirit of the
early Spawn comics perfectly.
4.
Batman Forever Luminous hubcaps on the Batmobile. Rubber
nipples and codpieces on the heroes. Gotham City in day-glo.
An oddly appropriate double-tragedy in Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face
(nevermind that Harvey Dent was black in the first Burton
Batman) playing second fiddle to Jim Carrey's Riddler. Nicole
Kidman trying to shake the dumb redhead image by playing a
dumb blonde and still failing. Val Kilmer getting confused
and playing Jim Morrison yet again as Bruce Wayne/Batman stumbles
through in a haze of prozac (but who can blame him?). And
to add insult to injury, there were actually one or two genuinely
interesting facets of the movie that were mercilessly sodomised
by the generally appalling cast, bad acting, bad screenplay
and horrid visuals before being thrown into the mud and urinated
on. It's one redeeming feature - it was such a horrific experience
that it ensured I wasn't remotely tempted to see Batman and
Robin.
5.
Highlander III Arguably better than Highlander II, but
only because it ruthlessly pillages the original Highlander
for its plot. Highlights are: the fine thespianic display
we've come to expect from Christopher Lambert, Mario van Peebles
as a poor man's Kurgan, and more gratuitious special effects
than you shake a stick at. Not only does it raise its own
problems for the events of Highlander (how can there be only
one while three are still sitting tight in a subterranean
cavern?), but it does nothing to make the events of Highlander
II look like a bad dream. Bad enough that although I can watch
reruns of Highlander II and laugh at the stupidity of it all
(especially the scene where the evil General Katana - and
we know he's evil because he talks in a gravelly voice - beats
one of his henchmen for questioning the point of the plot),
I've never watched this again since that one painful time
at the cinemas. There should have been only one.
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