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Movie Features

Fans Worst Movies  

Eight Pages of fans worst movies they have seen
Page1, Page 2,Page 3, Page 4,Page 5,Page 6, Page 7,Page 8

Andrew Ness

1. The Sound of Music This is the only film I've ever seen where I wanted the Nazis to kill the heroes. Slowly. In extreme close up.

2. The Field Bloody awful Irish thing in which very little happens while an old man bleats on and on about some American buying his field. Said American then killed by cows. Terrible.

3. Dirty Weekend Not dirty, doesn't take place at the weekend. Michael Winner film about Bella, who wont take it lying down any more (or something.) Features Illya Kuryakin getting frisky in a car then getting run over. And Mike out of the Young Ones playing a short bloke. Bad in a 'so bad its watchable once in a while' sort of way.

4. Dumb and Dumber I met this girl in a club. Totally gorgeous. We went to see this film. It was terrible. She loved it. It was over.

5. Dr Who (do TV movies count?) Evil crappy destruction of a classic TV series in which Paul McGann went about systematically eradicating all childhood memories of my favourite childhood pursuit. I will never hide behind a sofa again. The Bastards.

Steve Green

1. Highlander 2 At the time, I quite liked Highlander, though having seen it again recently has tempered my enthusiasm - but no film deserves a sequel like this...

2. Robocop 3 ohhh... my... god... I think the thumbs up from the dying rebel did it for me...

3. Batman and Robin I thought the series couldn't get any worse after Batman Forever... I just felt sorry for George...

4. The Avengers Uma Thurman in a catsuit seems to be the kiss of death...

5. Godzilla Dull, Dull, Dull

Graeme

1. Mouse Hunt An offensively stupid and schizophrenic movie that couldn't decide whether it was for children or retarded adults, and tried to do cater to both through the use of inane sight gags, crude language, corpse desecration and the groping of female anatomy in the pursuit of laughs from the audience. Imagine Jim Carrey taking all the elements that made Roald Dahl fun and popular and then regurgutating them in a Carrey-ised form for his audience. Then subtract Carrey from the equation because they couldn't afford him and substitute hysterical, campy Nathan Lane and some other no-hopers to carry the plot of two unlikeable and obnoxious brothers who inherit an old rundown house from their unlikeable father. Just when you think it doesn't get any worse and that the whole affair was intended as nothing more than a misfiring collection of amateur comedy skits, the movies tries to whip out A Message at the last minute. What the message was, I can't seem to recall anymore - I suspect those brain cells have long since self-immolated in protest - and I have no intention of trying to rediscover it.

2. The Heartbreak Kid Awful, awful Australian film that spawned a TV series that I assume had to be worse than the film if only because there was even more of it. Amidst the savageries of ethnic stereotyping, a school teacher sleeps with one of her students, gets found it and then bewails the fact that her life turns to shit as a result of this. At face value it doesn't sound as bad as either Spawn or Batman, but at least I can watch reruns of them in short doses in order to maintain the rage and find yet more flaws in the movie. I can't even conceive of walking through a room in which The Heartbreak Kid was on the television.

3. Spawn An abundance of unsympathetic characters (most of whom appear to have been lobotimised - "Hey, wait - you mean the guys who are paying me to do all this illegal international shit *aren't* the good guys after alll? Awww, crap..."), irritating, pretentious and intrusive voiceovers explaining something that's either bloody obvious or that could have been dealt with easily in the film's dialogue if the dialogue itseld hadn't been written by Ban-Al of Krypton. Martin Sheen *could* have been the film's sole redeeming feature if he hadn't insisted in talking in a gravelly voice (because he was Eeeeevil) and allowing a fat demon with bad clown make-up to talk him into having an ebola bomb implanted in his chest for his own protection. To damn it with faint praise, it captured the spirit of the early Spawn comics perfectly.

4. Batman Forever Luminous hubcaps on the Batmobile. Rubber nipples and codpieces on the heroes. Gotham City in day-glo. An oddly appropriate double-tragedy in Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face (nevermind that Harvey Dent was black in the first Burton Batman) playing second fiddle to Jim Carrey's Riddler. Nicole Kidman trying to shake the dumb redhead image by playing a dumb blonde and still failing. Val Kilmer getting confused and playing Jim Morrison yet again as Bruce Wayne/Batman stumbles through in a haze of prozac (but who can blame him?). And to add insult to injury, there were actually one or two genuinely interesting facets of the movie that were mercilessly sodomised by the generally appalling cast, bad acting, bad screenplay and horrid visuals before being thrown into the mud and urinated on. It's one redeeming feature - it was such a horrific experience that it ensured I wasn't remotely tempted to see Batman and Robin.

5. Highlander III Arguably better than Highlander II, but only because it ruthlessly pillages the original Highlander for its plot. Highlights are: the fine thespianic display we've come to expect from Christopher Lambert, Mario van Peebles as a poor man's Kurgan, and more gratuitious special effects than you shake a stick at. Not only does it raise its own problems for the events of Highlander (how can there be only one while three are still sitting tight in a subterranean cavern?), but it does nothing to make the events of Highlander II look like a bad dream. Bad enough that although I can watch reruns of Highlander II and laugh at the stupidity of it all (especially the scene where the evil General Katana - and we know he's evil because he talks in a gravelly voice - beats one of his henchmen for questioning the point of the plot), I've never watched this again since that one painful time at the cinemas. There should have been only one.

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