"Leave me alone!", "I can't take it any more!", "Please God stop the pain!". If you find yourself shouting out anything resembling these spine-tingling pleads during a nightmare, it is probably because you have subjected yourself to something more terrifying than Chinese water torture and more exruciatingly painful than castration without anaesthetic. Yes, you know what I'm getting at, and don't try and deny the fact that you have never guiltily indulged yourself in it, not realising the devastating impact it can have on your psyche. If you are still racking your brains over what this monstrous freak of celluloid that I am describing could possibly be, then I shall quit eulogizing and tell you what it is, no matter how difficult it is for me to spew the very words that are the essence of evil incarnate. Behold, for I am about to review a... TV Movie! There, I said it, and now you, reader, shall suffer the consequences. Read on...

'Trucks', a truly dreadful made for TV monster, definitely ranks alongside 'Species 2' and 'Universal Soldier: The Return' in my list of worst movies ever. Thankfully this freakish crapathon never got its scabby claws into the big screen, however it did succeed in slithering into a DVD case! How in God's name did this happen? Who is the studio executive responsible? May he/she rot in hell for this gross injustice. The shiny logo of the DVD is forever tarnished!

Now that I have let off some steam over the matter, I guess I have no choice but to tell you how unbelievably awful this film is. Based on a short story by Steven King (figures...) and stuffed with rip off scenes from an 80's favourite of mine, 'Killdozer', 'Trucks' concentrates on the idea of vehicles suddenly revving into a life of their own. What potential! How original! How shamefully exploited! Appalling acting, production values that are so low that you would have to dig to the core of the earth in order to comprehend how poor they are, a cringe-inducing script and a nonsensical plot all contribute to the sick feeling you get when the end credits roll, if you managed to get that far (I ashamedly had to switch channels constantly to prevent this from happening). The only person I recognised in this turd of a movie was Brenda Bakke who you may have noticed in several other films, most notably 'Under Siege 2' where she was flung off a bridge into a raging river - ironically the best place for her after accepting a role in this disaster. As for the director, Chris Thompson (Whose only previous work worth mentioning is 'The Flood: Who Will Save Our Children?' - chuckle), shame on you! I can safely say that the Gates of Heaven will be chained, barred and padlocked when your hour arrives, which will probably be soon if you continue to churn out this garbage.

Avoid at all costs.

Simon@HAM Movies