starring: Matt Dillon's eyebrow, the Universal backlot, Fairuza Balk, Brad Dorff, and Malcolm in the Middle.

When a critic trashes a film, it does a disservice to the producer, director, writers, actors and all the hard workers who ensure films get made. With that in mind, Deuces Wild sucks ass.

Its a shame, as not only did I see it as a free preview (so I didn't even pay to see it) but also many months before it gets released.

It has a cast of many fine actors and actresses, including Balthazar Getty (Lost Highway), a fully clothed Fairuza Balk (yes, Return to Oz), Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle, My Dog Spot), Debbie Harry, and Steve Dillon. Oh, and the same footage of a New York street corner. Over, and over again. So often, you'd think the rest of NYC had been erased in some kind of freak reality-erasing incident. Okay, so its told mostly through the eyes of a kid, but just about every camera angle gets that same street corner in. And I have seen that corner, and it's on the Universal backlot. Its not that special.

And neither is this film. Described as a "tale of lust, drugs, mayhem and madness during one hot summer on the streets of New York" and set in the 1950's between two gangs, its more a mediocre rehashing of West Side Story, but without the fun, costumes and music. it also lacks the plot, the pizazz, and doesn't even swelter like a New York summer.

Oh, and Matt Dillon wears the same nylon shirt all summer long. Yuck! On that note the costumes seem to be bought from 'cool' retro shops on Melrose Avenue by someone who can do 'retro' but not 'period'. Oh, and see how many times the same cars drive past too.

The knife fight scenes are gratuitously bloody, but too short and seems to be glossed over so as not to outrage the viewers. Unlike the wheelbarrow of cinder-blocks from a rooftop onto two hoodlums. This films strengths and weakness have been emphasised back to front. There is a potentially good movie lurking in this otherwise STV retro-fest but there needs to be some judicious cutting and re-shooting.

What can I say. I went, I saw, I want two hours of my life back, please, Mr. Scott Kalvert."

T Det