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The Crew  

Directed By: Michael Dinner
Starring: Richard Dreyfuss, Burt Reynolds, Dan Hedaya, Seymour Cassel, Jennifer Tilly
Rated: PG-13 (Sex / Violence / Language) Running Time: 88 Excruciating Minutes
Crew, The
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"WHO IS TO BLAME?" The outraged cry came from somewhere within the darkened theatre. Even before the credits began to roll, the crowd was demanding blood. Someone in the entertainment industry had inflicted this so-called "movie" on a paying audience of hard working mugs. Soon the identity of this wretched, faceless lout would be known to all the world.

Who is to blame? Let's have a look-see at the perpetrators of this sorry excuse for a Mob Boss spoof:

To say that Hollywood in general is to blame would be too easy. There is no closure in that. SOMEONE MUST BE MADE ACCOUNTABLE. So, I ask again, who is to blame for this awful, cinematic crime?

Is it the director, Michael Dinner? No, at least he made an attempt, and shot the single scene which garnered this film's one laugh.

Are the stars capable of such madness? Could Dreyfuss, Reynolds, or Tilly be so cruel? No, for they all suffer from the horrid affliction known in showbiz medical journals as "Rollus Cant-turndownus", and are therefore innocent of all charges.

We are left with only one suspect. The writer, BARRY FANARO.

Barry, Barry, Barry... Why have you done this thing to those who would praise you? You wrote Kingpin. I liked Kingpin. Kingpin was a funny movie. You made me laugh. You made other moviegoers laugh. But now... now I don't know what to think of you.

You've hurt me, Barry. You've hurt me deeply. You might think I'm mad at you, but I'm not. I'm just disappointed. Let me tell you something. I'm an avid film-buff. Other moviegoers are like family to me. When you hurt me, you hurt that Family, and that is one thing that I cannot allow.

So I'm gonna make you an offer, Barry. It's an offer you ought not to refuse. Make it up to us. Show us that you aren't just a hack who got lucky. Write something the Family will be proud to see on the silver screen, 'cause if you give us another steaming pile of crap like The Crew, things just might get ugly. You wouldn't want that, now would you, Barry? I thought not.

Somebody ought to whack this movie...

Allen J. Vestal

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