Just
when you thought that 'Urban Legends: Final Cut' had nailed
the lid shut on the coffin of late nineties horror movies,
along comes another that is instead a refreshing mix of the
ridiculous slasherthon flicks of the early eighties and the
ironic, self referential (and now rather tedious it seems)
films of late. Oh but that's not all. With tongue firmly in
cheek, director Mike Mendez also throws in some wacky and
bizarrely filmed scenes that would'nt look out of place in
an MTV video and at times his creation spills over into the
sci fi genre! This movie is called 'The Convent' - a fitting
title to a movie that is ultimately laughing at itself and
not other gore flicks. I am pleased to say that I enjoyed
this ludicrous celluloid caper and chuckled heartily until
the absurd ending which is begging for a sequel, and rightly
so.
The
film kicks off in 1959 when ex-pupil Christine, coolly puffing
on a cigarette, strolls into her school chapel - filled with
nuns deep in prayer - in sunglasses and a slinky black coat
only to pull out a chunky sawn off shotgun and shoot the holy
congregation to kingdom come. Marching down the aisle she
pumps several rounds into a babbling priest and douses the
mother superior in petrol. With a flick of a cigarette, the
rosary wielding nun is up in flames as the mysterious Christine
walks calmly out of the building.
It
is then present day and we are introduced to Mo, a goth dressed
up like a dog's dinner with a fuzzball hairdo, and Clarissa,
a goody two shoes virgin, who are discussing their trip to
the haunted convent where the maniacal Christine (Adrienne
Barbeau - popular with John Carpenter movies), who still lives
in town, killed several bible-bashing holy people.
A
virgin and a goth - two character staples of the horror genre,
but Mike Mendez obviously thought that this wasn't enough
and decides to go the whole hog and we are introduced by Clarissa
to her other chums, a dozy cheerleader, two equally thickheaded
jocks, a nerd and a dope smoking moron. No revolutionary horror
flick character developments there then.
Anyway,
Clarissa and her pals, after stopping off at the spooky home
of Christine, proceed to the convent but their stay is cut
short after the town sheriff and his deputy (played by a hilarious
Coolio) discover the naughty kids and send them home. Mo however,
hides in the convent as it isn't the first time she has been
in trouble with the law. What she doesn't realise though is
that she is being watched by the undead ghosts of the convent
who are planning on doing a little hellraising of their own.
Teens
are dispensed with at ease in short scenes where blood n'
guts take a backseat to flourescent goo and neon glowing body
parts. Coolio and Barbeau steal nearly all of the scenes whilst
the rest of the amateurish cast are left to fight for the
spoils.
'The
Convent' will almost certainly be a cult film because of two
things: I cannot think of another movie of its kind that is
as incredibly outrageous and mirthful, and there are a handful
of scenes that the viewer will never forget, including a posessed
dog, a doped up jock receiving oral sex from a vampire zombie,
and police officer Coolio opening fire at Clarissa - screaming
at him for help - because she has interrupted his mealtime!
Although there are a few dull moments, primarily those involving
the cast members who don't seem to realise they are in a movie
which is mocking them ie: they play it straight, these are
outweighed by the pros. I doubt that 'The Convent' will get
a theatrical release in the US because of its short running
time (75 minutes) and eventhough the movie is very well shot
with excellent lighting and a great atmosphere about its sets
and locations, it can't hide its low production values and
some performances are quite poor. It went straight to video
here in the UK and sadly I believe it'll do the same in America.
Mind you its going to be released in cinemas in France so
there's still hope!
Simon
Savory
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