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The
first Batman (1989) was near perfect.
The only fault was Prince’s songs which, although delightfully
funky, weren’t really appropriate. Like, ice-cream is nice,
but do you have ice-cream during sex?
Batman Returns (1992) was basically Tim Burton’s Batman, as
his freakish imagination was allowed to overwhelm the entire
Bat-mythos, making kids scream and their parents sick. Nevertheless,
cool stuff.
Batman Forever (1995) added color and silly villains to the
mix. It was acceptable, nothing more.
Then we have Batman & Robin. There is one odd pleasure out
of watching this awful camp-fest; seeing milions of dollars
being flushed down the drain, right infront of your eyes.
Not that you’ll be pleased.
Buy
Batman And Robin [1997] on DVD at Amazon!
The horrific experience makes you want to grab Joel Schumacher
by the (proberbaly pink and green) collar and tell him, "You
wasted so much money on this? Nobody likes it! NOBODY!" What
on earth did he think he was doing? The entire planet deserves
an answer.
Oh, the sheer, all-consuming anti-hilarity of such lines as,
"You’re not sending me to the cooler!", and "Cool party!"
and "Freeze well, bird boy!" and "My vines have a crush on
you!" and, and.....oh, EVERY LINE. Every damn line.
Almost as much fun as listening to the screams of your girlfriend/wife
being beaten savagely with a crowbar and then gang raped.
The only enjoyment to be had is arguing who gave the worst
performance. Was it Uma Thurman, putting the 1960’s Batman
to shame with her unbelievably over the top campness? Was
it Arnold Schwarzenegger, bellowing crap puns for two (miserable)
hours? Surely it was utterly, utterly lame Alicia Silverstone,
turning Batgirl into the most cloying, embarassing and aggravating
superhero the world has ever seen?
Whoever it is gets solid back-up from Elizabeth Sanders as
Gossip Gerty, unbelievably embarassing and with no place in
a Batman film. Even though she’s an elderly woman, you want
to punch her for her sickeningly cringe-inducing delivery
and her infuriatingly pompous laugh. Her line, "Let’s show
some gusto! Har-har-har-HAR!" is simply the worst torture
ever inflicted upon the human ear. The way it echoes around
your head for days afterwards makes you want to throw yourself
infront of a car.
George Clooney must be thankful he gave an almost non-existant
performance here, sinking into the background while the others
stumble into the garish spotlight. Only Michael Gough as Alfred
and Chris O’Donnell give performances that are in anyway acceptable,
as if they’ve appeared from a parallel universe Batman 4,
one that isn’t complete shash.
Even Pat Hingle, as Commisioner Gordon, makes a bumbling fool
of himself, erasing in one fowl swoop all the dignity and
class he gave the three previous enstallments.
Joel Schumacher packs every Bat-frame with blinding neon decoration
and statues of naked fellas, making you wonder why such a
masculine, testosterone-ladden concept has been turned into
one bordering on the nancy-boy.
Tim Burton must have thrown up after seeing Schumacher had
scribbled in bright crayon over his dark acrylic masterpieces.
But hey, MacDonald’s liked it, and Bat-burgers and fries (or
should that be freeze?) are more important than Bat-dignity.
Warner Bros. must have had heart-attacks when they saw the
finished result they spent so much on, like betting thousands
on a horse only to find out just before the race it hasn’t
got any legs. Luckily for them, the success of the other three
Batflicks dragged Batman & Robin to the finishing line.
Luckily
for the viewer, Schumacher has been kicked out of the batcave
for good. Let’s hope Warners give him his comeuppance once
and for-all and flush the git down the crapper.
KevRo
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